Pretending to be Pregnant for Better Parking

Ordering 150$ in exercise clothing made me hungry. So I took the opportunity this week to eat everything in the goddamn world with a 32 ounce fountain coke. I love my children, they are pretty awesome but it is in the frosty contents of an earth-killing styrofoam chalice from Sonic that I see the face of God.

Just kidding, I’m an atheist.

But fountain coke is the shit.

So yesterday I went cold turkey. And by cold turkey I mean that I met my friend for Bloody Marys, a Captain Morgan with Cranberry & Pineapple and a Blue Moon with orange slices. No scurvy for me! But also no caffeine, for two days in a row and NOBODY has died yet.

I had to, I was so bloated that I could pass for 6 months pregnant and get the fancy close-in parking at the kinds of stores that have that. I considered doing just that though, and letting little old ladies in line at the store rub my belly for good luck while telling them it was called Tallulah.

I still might.

Don’t ask strangers if you can rub their bellies, maybe they’re just coming off a 30 day milkshake binge and are too lazy to park far away.